Dear Davey,
I’m trying to lose weight and get in shape. So far, I’ve lost a few pounds and some of my friends think that I look great. Even so, I still overhear strangers snickering at my weight and kids pointing me out to their parents. I try to laugh it off but it kills me inside.
When I look in the mirror, I see a fat guy with a big heart but an even bigger belly… and I know that no one will give me a chance. I just want to feel loved and wanted, but I don’t think anyone will give me the time of day.
I’m hoping you can give me some advice so that I can see what my friends see in me.
From,
James
James,
I’ve always said that what other people think of me is none of my business. Some of your friends might have wonderful things to say about you as a person or your weight loss journey - and then some people might not. If you measure yourself through the eyes of others, you’ll always be at the mercy of the world around you and subject to the ups and downs that come with it.
To really feel good about yourself, you have to seek validation from within. I know that it sounds sappy and unhelpful, but hear me out.
Just last night, I was watching a great TED talk by Brené Brown, Ph.D. A while back, Brown decided she was going to study the differences between people who felt a tremendous sense of self worth, love and belonging and those who struggled. She committed a year to the research. One year became six and a common thread emerged from all the interviews, focus groups and data points. Brown discovered that there is one - and only one - difference between those individuals who felt self worth and those who don’t.
People who have a strong sense of self worth, love and belonging believe that they are deserving of those things. That’s it. They weren’t smarter, taller, prettier or skinnier.
Sometimes we use exercise or dieting to try and treat the symptoms of deeper issues. If you want to feel better about yourself, changing the way you look on the outside will have a limited effect on how you feel in the inside.
Through her research, Brown suggests that we learn to look at our so-called imperfections or vulnerabilities as things that make us beautiful, real and human. Whether it’s the beer gut, grey hairs or anything else, all of these things are part of you. It’s not even that in spite of these vulnerabilities that you are worthy so much as it is because of these things.
You are worthy; it’s your birthright.
Ironically, when you make this shift to be kinder and gentler to yourself, a new relationship is born. And from the more loving relationship, it’s easier to make healthier and wiser decisions - whether it’s going to the gym or making better food choices. As you become motivated to strengthen and nourish your body with movement, good food and love, your transformation comes from a place of true power.
James, you are enough. Know this.
Love,
Davey
About Davey Wavey
Davey,
This was a great response. I can relate to James and after reading your response it makes me want to do my best to be better to myself. It may help with my depression and cynicism towards life as well.
Thanks Davey,
Sam
Oh I definitely know this, rather well. I’ve been in the same boat for a good while now. My thing is I come as a big black guy in the southwest where little and muscular latinos and white guys seem to be all the boys can see. I’ve had this issue for a while now and I’ve known confidence and self appreciation is key; yet could never find a way to appreciate myself. I’ve been working on liking me for me for a while, but one video from one very special lady changed me for good:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kwh_yOzJ6AY
Seriously, I laughed and watched this video daily and actually BELIEVED her! She is beautiful! I came to say, if SHE is beautiful then so am I! From then forward I’ve kept her song in my head for my own self esteem boost and just acted like and truly believed her words are so true. I’ve definitely had results! I asked a guy out who was working at his desk in a reception hall one day with this theme in my head and a week later he texted me for a date saying my confidence is what he really liked (true story). I get more looks at the club where I go up to guys I like and tell them they are attractive and introduce myself. . .I’ve got two more numbers now. Before this I never did that often and when I did always fell flat. I didn’t lose any weight, all I did was feel differently about me.
Watch her video at least once a day is my prescription until you see her and yourself as beautiful. Then put yourself out there knowing it. Let rejection be like getting a shot at the doctors: a small moment of discomfort that you can be afraid of (like so many people and dread ever going) or just accept it’ll sting for a second but when it’s done it’s done and be on your way. Then go on living knowing the truth of how beautiful we all are, including you!
After all LOOK AT HER! (she says shouts that in the vid)
🙂
I try to be as skeptical as I can about ideas like this because they sometimes seem too good to be true. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of being deserving of self-worth, love, and belonging. Based on what? What exactly have I done? I didn’t cause my birth, and I don’t feel anyone is entitled to anything upon their birth.
If I think, though, about my health, which is why I’m on this site, I know that I’m far too hard on myself. I berate myself mentally all day because of my ridiculous amount of imperfections. And to an extent, I think self-deprecation might be a good thing… maybe. A sign of humility? I wonder if I do it too much, though, and the type of thinking you bring to the table, Davey, seems to be more productive.
To realize that certain imperfections are what make me beautiful, real, and human is counterintuitive to me. I want to be the best I can be. But I think that type of thinking is profoundly wise as it’s self-evident that we’ll never escape our humanity which is full of unpredictability and imperfection. So today, I think I’m going to practice that. I’m tired of hating myself, and I think it’s time I augment my life rather than diminish it.
Thank you for the post, DW. =)
Well, being born is an accomplishment. That little sperm that half of you was once beat out millions of others in the greatest race of all time. So half of you is a winner beyond all measure!
That said, no one is entitled to anything upon birth, or even after for that matter. Everyone brings something to the table and has things to work on. No one out there is better than you, nor are you any less than anyone. . .just different. If people at the very least deserve what they give others, then give love and know you deserve it.
The concept of self-love truly can be a foreign one, trust me, I know, still working on that. It might seem strange to those of us that don’t practice it, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Just something new. And of all the things to try and accomplish in life, why on Earth wouldn’t one try to succeed in loving oneself? Ultimately there is only one person you HAVE to life with until the end and that’s yourself. Might as well love that one person you know better than most who will always be there.
You go gurl!!! Life is too short to live with negativity! Let it go and be productive and happy! We were all meant to be different, how boring if we all looked and thought the same. Believe me, especially in the BROAD spectrum of the gay community….there IS love for everyone…but you gotta start loving yourself FIRST! Te Amo!!
A fellow TED follower….bright guy Davey!
I remember once long ago I tho the same way! I was about 400 plus pounds! But I found that I starting to love myself is the first step. I then found that there was many purple out there that love me, I then started to drop wieght slowly, then just recently from the help of my friend Kam, Tod, Kevin, Dev and from Davey with his help tips and workout video I lost a lot of weight. When you have more love for yourself, you will see the bigger picture and today I am proud to say that I’m at 299lbs! Why because it all started with loving myself and being happy with who I am but not content with how I look and just made that change!
Davey couldnt have said it better 🙂 you are an inspiration 🙂
The greatest challenge of my life so far has been with low self-esteem and body image is definitely in the mix. My issues with mental health compound the problem. I have dated a few times and never been in a romantic relationship, yeah that wasn’t difficult to admit [massive sarcasm].
If you think your self-image is making you depressed or depression is affecting your self-image it is never too late to seek professional help, just ask your doctor. Changing thought pathways takes time and un-learning something is harder than learning it but I have to believe it can be done. The only other choice I see is to give up and “I would do anything for love but I won’t do that.” Sorry, sorry, couldn’t resist.
There are lots of corny cliches in this area but if you really think about what is being said you will understand why. One day at a time. Baby steps. If you fall off the wagon get back on. Change your thinking and you change your life. Life is what you make it. Love yourself & others will follow. The common denominator here is an effort to be happy. Just a little effort and see where it goes.
One last one “for the road”: The longest journey begins with a single step.
I love TED talks.
James-i so so know how you feel-keep pressing on.there are plateaus in life-we meet obstacles-listen so so muck to Davey Wavey-hes the be all and end all of working out-getting in good shape-and maintaining it.he is knowledgeable-listen to him and his -our-blogbuddies.ive lost weight-i went vegetarian-now over twelve days-i feel even better than one-two-weeks ago.compliments are increasing from even two weeks ago exponentially-ive dropped waist sizes-i walk on average 3mi-7km-per day-ive lost 5 waist sizes-46-44-42-40-and dropping-you wiil too.im walking dogs-got a neighbourhood personal trainer-i so so much need a guy to push me0ive joined a local gym-diet/nutrition are in my vocabulary-i cook at home-use no salt or added sugar.im not needing type-2 diabetes meds.i owe this to DW.he is my hope-my aspiration.im as serious as a heart attack-that is true true love.stick to losing it-if i can do it-you will too.this i promise-and this time i will speak for DW-listen to him and us blogbuddies-you will so so much succeed.again listen to DW.he was sent by God-we are all Gods Children-and God Never Makes Mistakes.
oh-i had to add more to my weight loss story-ive cut out all fast food-cook at home using no salt/sugar.when i go out-its sushi-or healthy Asian food.for instance-Japanese cuisine-is basically health food-there are no obese Japanese-only Nissei-fat Japanese-Americans-even Europeans are not obese as Northamericans-no Mc Donalds-Burger King-KFC-etc etc.stay away from soutern fried cooking-people in the South are way too obese.stick to a California/Florida diet.think South Beach or San Diego.hopefully my advice is good-its working-and you will too.we owe our gratitude to DW-he wont steer you wrong-i promise.again-he is is a gift from God-God doesnt make mistakes.i sincerely pray-you will be the object of desire.im saying a prayer-and God will answer your prayer.he is answering mine-we just need a push-DW-and a local personal trainer to give you guidance.get a personal trainer-if you can-he is cheaper-than fast food.im praying for you-you all pray for me.we all will together succeed.
If you believe in yourself, if you love the you that you are today and the you that you want to be, you will shine and people will see that, and want to feel your light on them. For me, this has been a hiccup of a year, being made redundant twice, feeling like I’ve lost my mojo, wondering if I’m doing something wrong; but at each bump in the road, I’ve looked around me, internally as well as globally, and seen that I’m the same person, the same optimistic heart, with the same dreams and the same drive, and I’ve picked myself up and got on with life. There’s a saying, apocryphally from Japanese martial arts: “Fall down seven times, get up eight.” You can. You will.
Such a beautiful and inspired answer.
I can relate totally since it’s only through the improvement made in my soul by my spiritual journey that I began to get results I could see in all areas of my life.
Self love is the key. And it’s just a decision to make, and something you have to repeat yourself everyday.
YOU ARE LOVABLE BECAUSE YOU EXIST.
Great answers, Davey and everyone on here. There are some beautiful people on this site, and I like that! So, I agree that it’s gotta come from within, but I also know that I need a support system, someone out there who will say, “screw them and what they think, I think you’re really cool.” Or even better, “I love you no matter what, even with that extra pound (and more) of fat on you.” Or when I’m in flawless shape, “I’ll still love you if you get out of shape!”
Find and keep those people to hang out with who can keep cheering you on, or give you a hug now and then. For those of us with deep-seated issues, we can find the faith in ourselves, but the hugs really do help! Yes, stay strong, and believe in yourself. And if people are pointing and laughing, I’d say either, first realize that you’re a fairer, kinder person than they are - OR - turn back towards them and make a face at them to really make them laugh and get over themselves! Or just introduce yourself. We’re all just people, after all, who need understanding.
I find Louise Hay’s affirmations very, very useful.
Yes, Louise Hay is a goddess! Her book, You Can Heal Your Life, is great; along with a primary source of hers: Ernest Holmes, in any of his books, esp. This Thing Called You (highly recommended).
I have also found when there’s a part of me that doesn’t believe an affirmation, to just go through it logically: OK, so WHY am I less lovable than that guy over there? As I walk through the logic and argument of it, the only conclusion can be that I deserve the same things (love, food, kindness, etc.) that anyone else does. That’s what I like about their writings, it’s all step by step logic: if God (or whatever you want to call It) is love, and God/(or The Universe) is everywhere, god is in every molecule between your nose and your toes, and therefore every molecule of you is love itself, and therefore gives love and receives love in each moment.
Buddhism’s good this way too: send lovingkindness to all beings in the universe - and begin with sending that love to yourself.
Great post. I was checking constantly this blog and I am impressed!
Extremely helpful info particularly the last part 🙂 I
care for such info much. I was looking for this particular
information for a very long time. Thank you and good luck.
Thanks a bunch for sharing this with all people you actually realize
what you’re talking approximately! Bookmarked. Please also seek
advice from my website =). We may have a link alternate agreement among us
Heya i am for the first time here. I found this board and I to find
It truly useful & it helped me out much. I hope to provide one thing back and help others such as you
helped me.
There is certainly a great deal to know about this topic.
I love all the points you have made.
What’s up friends, its fantastic article concerning tutoringand completely explained, keep it up all the time.