Dear Davey,
I’m trying to lose weight and get in shape. So far, I’ve lost a few pounds and some of my friends think that I look great. Even so, I still overhear strangers snickering at my weight and kids pointing me out to their parents. I try to laugh it off but it kills me inside.
When I look in the mirror, I see a fat guy with a big heart but an even bigger belly… and I know that no one will give me a chance. I just want to feel loved and wanted, but I don’t think anyone will give me the time of day.
I’m hoping you can give me some advice so that I can see what my friends see in me.
From,
James
James,
I’ve always said that what other people think of me is none of my business. Some of your friends might have wonderful things to say about you as a person or your weight loss journey - and then some people might not. If you measure yourself through the eyes of others, you’ll always be at the mercy of the world around you and subject to the ups and downs that come with it.
To really feel good about yourself, you have to seek validation from within. I know that it sounds sappy and unhelpful, but hear me out.
Just last night, I was watching a great TED talk by Brené Brown, Ph.D. A while back, Brown decided she was going to study the differences between people who felt a tremendous sense of self worth, love and belonging and those who struggled. She committed a year to the research. One year became six and a common thread emerged from all the interviews, focus groups and data points. Brown discovered that there is one - and only one - difference between those individuals who felt self worth and those who don’t.
People who have a strong sense of self worth, love and belonging believe that they are deserving of those things. That’s it. They weren’t smarter, taller, prettier or skinnier.
Sometimes we use exercise or dieting to try and treat the symptoms of deeper issues. If you want to feel better about yourself, changing the way you look on the outside will have a limited effect on how you feel in the inside.
Through her research, Brown suggests that we learn to look at our so-called imperfections or vulnerabilities as things that make us beautiful, real and human. Whether it’s the beer gut, grey hairs or anything else, all of these things are part of you. It’s not even that in spite of these vulnerabilities that you are worthy so much as it is because of these things.
You are worthy; it’s your birthright.
Ironically, when you make this shift to be kinder and gentler to yourself, a new relationship is born. And from the more loving relationship, it’s easier to make healthier and wiser decisions - whether it’s going to the gym or making better food choices. As you become motivated to strengthen and nourish your body with movement, good food and love, your transformation comes from a place of true power.
James, you are enough. Know this.
Love,
Davey
